When it comes to living with passion and adventure, your partner excels; when it comes to doing the emotional work in the relationship, your partner is a disaster, from having meltdowns when challenges arise to refusing to work through conflict. You’re exhausted from the emotional upheaval and concerned about mounting resentments. Your friends may think you have the perfect relationship from the outside, but you often feel like you’re living with an “adult child.” The different types of maturity are often interwoven and easy to confuse with one another, and this can complicate relationships. For example, you might see an adult who is physically mature and assume that this person is also psychologically mature—only to find that the individual acts more like a child than an adult. You might also come across someone who is terrifically mature in the career arena yet find him terribly immature when it comes to relationships. It’s also common to be excited by a partner’s wild or uninhibited side yet ultimately find that there’s an accompanying irresponsibility that is hard to take. When it comes to developmental stage maturity (e.g., the time when a person is ready to commit or settle down), differences in this area can create substantial challenges when important priorities and goals simply don’t line up. In my most recent book, Date Smart, I highlight the importance of finding a partner who is well matched on core levels, and this includes the critical area of maturity. When it comes to finances—whether setting a budget, creating a savings account, or spending appropriately—an immature partner will often have difficulty navigating monetary issues in responsible ways. An immature person may also have difficulty in the career world; this can manifest through constant job losses, a lack of commitment in the workplace, or a refusal to work at all. On the homefront, the more mature partner may be left with doing far more work than the immature partner; from leaving dishes undone to refusing to clean the bathroom, the immature partner will often avoid sharing equally in mundane (but necessary) tasks. Chronic fighting, gaslighting, manipulation, and stonewalling are all signs of immaturity, so a more mature partner will notice that positive communication efforts are stymied by the immature partner. It’s also important to pay note that a controlling partner may initially present as being more mature, but being controlling is actually a sign of psychological immaturity. Truly mature partners will know and honor their needs while also making appropriate space for their partner’s needs and desires. For example, it’s not uncommon for a child to be put into a parental-type role that involves age-inappropriate amounts of responsibility; a child in this type of situation often matures far too early and may be overly responsible in adult life. At the other end of the spectrum, psychological maturity is often impeded by helicopter parents who tend to shield their children from responsibility and natural consequences. In adulthood, the helicopter-parented individual often suffers from irresponsibility coupled with a sense of entitlement. Life challenges such as traumatic events can also affect a child’s ability to mature at an age-appropriate rate. While trauma may thrust one person into early maturity, the same type of trauma may stunt the psychological growth of another individual. As a wide variety of historical issues tend to create and perpetuate psychological maturity or immaturity, it’s important to be curious rather than judgmental when working to understand the factors that created the maturity discrepancies at work in your relationship. In some cases, the more immature partner may want to foster more mature behaviors; this type of change-oriented attitude is a positive sign. However, if a less mature partner wants to stay stuck in immature behaviors that are problematic, it’s generally wise to seek outside guidance or move on from the relationship. In the end, what’s most important is that you and your partner find that your maturity differences make you both better people and partners in the long run. Blending traditional psychotherapy with alternative mindfulness practices, Manly knows the importance of creating healthy balance, awareness, and positivity in life. Recognizing the need for greater somatic awareness in society, Dr. Manly has integrated components of mindfulness, meditation, and yoga into her private psychotherapy practice and public course offerings. Her psychotherapeutic model offers a highly personalized approach that focuses on discovering and understanding each individual’s unique needs and life-path goals.
