Anyone can have controlling tendencies and behaviors, including friends, family members, co-workers, and romantic partners. A person doesn’t necessarily need to be a “bad” person to have controlling tendencies. As somatic psychologist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure, Holly Richmond, Ph.D., tells mbg, controlling behavior often looks like insecure anxious attachment. For example, “If you’re not with me, I can’t soothe myself, so I have to know where you are every second.” In other words, controlling behavior is a product of anxiety and fear of the unknown, Richmond explains. “Sometimes it can be fear of what’s going to happen, and there’s this bad movie playing in our head—but sometimes it’s the not knowing.” For someone who has “control issues” or a fear of the unknown, they often don’t trust themselves or feel secure enough to meet any challenge or tolerate an unknown situation. So, in order to regain some sense of security, they exercise their will in any way they can. “It’s because of their abandonment issues and insecure attachment,” she adds. “This fear that you’ll choose someone else, and you being out in the world makes that more of a possibility than if you were home with them.” Over time, this can lead someone to doubt (or at least deprioritize) their own needs. And as therapist Mariel Buquè, Ph.D., previously told mbg, if the thought of sharing your true feelings makes you feel guilty, that’s a sign “there is control at the center of your relationship.” This lack of trust triggers their insecurities and makes their need to control you even greater. Research has also shown excessive jealousy is often linked to narcissism1—which brings us to our next point. If there isn’t abuse and you believe your partner is open to adjusting their behavior, Richmond says the first step is to open up a conversation about what’s going on. First, you’ll want to establish a time you can both sit down and talk about what’s been bothering you. For example, she says, you could say something along the lines of When you text me constantly while I’m out with my friends, I feel like you don’t trust me. When I don’t feel trusted, I feel diminished and like you don’t think I can take care of myself. That really makes me feel like the underdog in this relationship, and like you have more power—and I don’t like feeling powerless. Licensed therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, adds that you can also use her AEO framework for structuring the conversation: Acknowledge the issue, explain the emotions, and then offer a solution or request, such as, What I’d really like is that when we’re out with our friends, there isn’t an expectation that we respond to each other super quickly. What do you think? From there, how they respond will be telling. Do they take accountability and change their behavior? If not, and they continue to disrespect your boundaries, it’s probably best to walk away. If not, you can create some space or choose to end the friendship entirely. As therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, previously explained to mbg, “Ending the friendship may be as simple as no longer initiating contact or plans as frequently and allowing the connection to naturally fade.” As Cullins adds, you can respectfully choose to make a different choice when a parent is being controlling, whether “declining a parent’s offer, or not interacting if it creates an uncomfortable situation for the child.” And of course, if setting those boundaries doesn’t work, Tsabary notes, “then it is important to create emotional space and distance in another way.” (For more tips on dealing with controlling parents, check out our guide.) If you ever feel unsafe due to someone else’s behavior, trust your gut and remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.
