There is no one-size-fits-all approach to what counts as “intimate,” since sexual and emotional variance between people is unimaginably large. One person’s intimacy is the intensity of being flogged and humiliated by their lover, while another’s is oral sex with the lights on. The key connecting factor is trust, security, and openness. When you feel completely able to open up to your partner and show them the private side of yourself that is usually hidden from the world, you engender a bond of trust from which intimacy can grow. Importantly, intimate sex isn’t exclusive to long-term, monogamous lovers. A beautiful amount of trust and thereby intimacy can also be cultivated by a relaxed, shame-free atmosphere in which all parties are honest about their needs and desires. (Here’s more on cultivating intimacy in a new relationship.) When you touch your lover frequently, you become more attuned to reading their body and their reactions. Which touches cause them to melt? Which ones are ticklish? All this information can give you more ease with each other’s bodies, which helps increase intimacy during sex. Explicitly showing your partner how you like to get off is not just a hot way to be vulnerable and therefore increase trust, but it is also useful in giving your partner a road map for your body. With this confidence, they can feel empowered and therefore more comfortable, which can only increase your sexual connection. While leaning into space might seem “antithetical to the goal of fostering intimacy, it’s important to remember that fires need fuel and air to burn,” she notes. “Sometimes spending too much time together and/or getting bogged down by routines can actually be stifling to intimate connections.” (If you’re looking to explore anal, then the second essential after communication is lube. A silicone-based lube is perfect for anal play because it’s thicker than water-based lube and can therefore better protect the delicate lining of your anus, which can’t produce its own lubricant in the same way the vagina can. Just remember that silicone-based lube shouldn’t be used with silicone dildos or butt plugs, as it can degrade the material.) “Communicating about sexpectations is the key to increasing intimacy,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. “By being open and clear about what your preferences are, the better chance your partner will know how to engage with you. Being vulnerable about likes and dislikes while practicing acceptance promotes emotional safety, an essential quality for elevating intimacy.” That is to say, there are no easy cheats when it comes to cultivating intimacy. If you can’t be direct with your partner, you close off the potential for a true union between you. “Think of ways you can explore some new pleasure territory. Trying out new kinks, sex toys, or positions can be a great way to enhance presence through awakening your beginner’s mind,” says Dow. “The possibilities of ways people can experience pleasure are too varied and vast for anyone to have explored them all. I encourage you to open up conversations with your partner(s) about potential new things they may want to explore.” If you can dig into this sense of curiosity and approach your partner’s body as something that can offer new and exciting alleys of pleasure, you open up a sense of joint playfulness that can feel extremely transformative. “If you want to engage in intercourse, slowly insert your penis/sex toy, taking your time not to rush but to appreciate your interaction. Pause to notice texture, temperature, and pressure, and share what you notice with each other.” By taking the time to slow down the pace of your sexual encounters and engaging in positions such as this one, which allow a large amount of body-on-body contact, you give space for a shared sense of appreciation of the other. Here are Brito’s instructions: “This creates a circular flow going and allows you to exchange energy,” Prem explains. “Being in yab yum allows you to connect the heart chakras. The other breathing that you can do is breathing together in and out at the same pace. This gets your heart to beat at the same rate, thereby allowing you to be more empathetic with each other and know what the other is feeling.” Whichever pathways you choose to explore on your path to more intimate sex, just remember that the key to any type of intimacy is openness and honesty. Intimacy cannot be built on false pretenses, so don’t be afraid to be real with your partner(s) about what you want.
