While sexual frustration and horniness can intersect and share some similarities, they’re not the same. “Horny is the desire or arousal for sexual activity and can have more of a positive tone, as culturally we use the term to imply we are turned on,” Cline explains. You can be horny but not sexually frustrated, though being horny with unmet sexual needs can easily cause frustration. Sexual frustration isn’t a medical diagnosis. Anyone can experience this common sensation, so no one’s alone in the struggle. Below are some potential indicators of sexual frustration. While none of these behaviors definitively mean someone is sexually frustrated, they can be common behaviors for someone who’s dealing with sexual frustration. Sweet believes that because American society doesn’t teach young adults how to negotiate and talk about sex and desire comfortably, “Those young folks grow into old folks who find themselves older and more experienced but still without the skills to effectively communicate about sex.” Without communication, sexual needs can go ignored or unmet. “At some point, one may stop initiating and give up, which often results in a sexless relationship,” shares Cline, “and those people can often end up in my office.” Without this rejuvenating and restorative physical experience—whether because of a dry spell, discontentment with your partner, or poor health—it makes sense for your body to feel out of tune and tense as pent-up energy continues to build. According to Cline, people crave connection emotionally and psychologically, even if they’re bad at it. “To be without connection in our lives goes against our wiring.” “I think sometimes people believe they deserve to have their sexual desires met by a partner,” shares Sweet. Often, this belief stems from their upbringing, society, gender roles, religion, past partners, “or straight-up selfishness.” There are other ways that commoditizing sex leads to sexual frustration, too. In fact, Casperson says some people use sex as a vehicle for self-esteem. “Someone may become reliant on sex as an external reward—i.e., boosting self-image—and may never feel satisfied due to the internal work that needs to be done.” Some conditions that can decrease libido include: “Sexual frustration is a form of stress, so stress management techniques that work for other forms of stress likely apply here,” explains Sweet. “In the therapy work, we call it self-care.” The strategies you choose to self-care and calm your mind and body are up to you, but here are some ideas to help you get started. You and your partner won’t always be horny together, so the best way to navigate the sexual frustration that may arise is through communication. “One of the biggest solutions to desire differences—which happens to most couples at some point in their relationship—is communication,” shares Cline. “Most couples are able to talk about a lot of stuff but have a hard time talking about sex.” Try to communicate your needs and desires openly to your partner with these four tips: “Communication may reveal barriers to a better sex life that can be addressed or reveal that it’s something that isn’t changeable at this time,” she says. With a transparent approach to communication, partners can empower each other to ask for and discuss other ways to have their needs met, or they can work on acceptance of a sex life adjustment. Sweet recommends people talk with their partners about how to best compromise on the mismatch of desire. She often works with couples where penis-in-vagina sex is off the table, but mutual masturbation, heavy petting, kissing, massage, sexting, reading erotica together, watching porn, and other activities are OK. “Recognize you are both an individual sexual being and a partnered sexual being. Don’t undervalue your own ability to get yourself off, independent of a partner,” she says. If you and your partner’s sexual urges don’t match, learn what turns them on through conversations about desire, seduction, fetishes, erogenous zones, and more, even if you think you already know. Don’t hesitate to learn more about your own sexual needs, too. “Sometimes, for the person who doesn’t crave sex as much, I suggest saying yes to sex,” says Stewart, “because sometimes people forget about how good sex feels and how great orgasms can be, so they need that reminder.” Finding the language to express your needs and desires is difficult (and uncomfortable!), but it’s worth it to find resources that can help break the barrier that leads to a more fulfilling sex life. As you navigate this tension, remember you have tons of options to physically and emotionally relieve it. Plus, you can use this opportunity to re-imagine your sex life completely.
