She notes that gaslighting can be small or it can be extensive; however, “whether small or large, there can be a snowball effect where it impacts your sense of judgment, daily life decisions, and negotiations.” And even when it’s unintentional, it’s still damaging. As therapist Aki Rosenberg, LMFT, previously told mbg, “Gaslighting at its core is always about self-preservation and the maintenance of power/control—namely, the power/control to construct a narrative that keeps the gaslighter in the ‘right’ and their partner in the ‘wrong.’” And relating to Rosenberg’s previous point, Spinelli notes that gaslighting is often part of a power dynamic where the manipulation is “an intent to control an individual, or when by a public figure, the entire mindset of a community at large.” Once you’ve identified it, Spinelli suggests showing yourself self-compassion first and foremost, and reminding yourself that you are not at fault. She adds that seeking the insight of a mental health professional can also help you identify if you are a victim of gaslighting, as well as better understand and implement coping mechanisms and ensure that you receive an objective view of your situation. “When we have experienced gaslighting, we lose a sense of our own emotional barometer,” Spinelli says. “Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.” Take one step at a time in the process to disengage and set boundaries with the gaslighter, and surround yourself with people you trust who can validate your experience, she recommends. As therapist Alyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW, previously told mbg, “When we reach out to our support system to share with them our reality; what is happening; what we know; and what we’ve seen, witnessed, and experienced; we are further integrating our truth into our minds.” Mancao also has a few helpful phrases you can keep in mind for handling gaslighting in the moment. For more info on how to handle a gaslighter in your life, check out our full guide on how to deal with gaslighting. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.
