“There is no commitment and possibly a lack of interest in establishing a serious, meaningful relationship,” couples’ therapist Racine Henry, Ph.D., LMFT, tells mbg. “The bottom line is a hard-and-fast boundary around the depth of emotional intimacy and attachment.” People might be casually dating each other exclusively, meaning they are not dating other people, though usually the term “casual dating” implies that it isn’t exclusive. “There are a lot of reasons people date casually, ranging from wanting to gain more interpersonal experience with people to whom you’re attracted, to avoiding the emotional attachment that comes with deeper levels of commitment, to just wanting to have fun,” sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., tells mbg. “A lot of my clients are casually dating until someone presents themselves as a viable long-term partner, so sometimes it’s a stopgap between relationships.” Being friends with benefits usually involves hanging out regularly in a nonromantic way with sex as a main feature of your get-togethers, whereas “hooking up” is a more general term to describe any two people who are engaging in any form of physical intimacy. “Be as explicit in your communication as possible,” Henry recommends. “What are the boundaries? What actions or expectations would be crossing the line? What kind of veto power is allowed?” “Be honest with yourself about why you’re pursuing this kind of relationship, especially if you’re a serial monogamist or serious dater,” Henry says. “Check in with yourself often about whether this relationship is meeting your needs. If not, speak up and let your partner know.” Give each other space to voice any needs, any discomfort, or any suggested changes to the dynamic. Just because things are casual doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care about each other’s feelings and needs. “Initiate a conversation about what you’re feeling and where you stand,” Henry says. “It doesn’t have to mean you want something serious, but just because the relationship is casual doesn’t mean you should be unsatisfied.” Not everyone may align with your definition of casual dating, and that’s OK. Find the people who are down to have the type of casual relationship you’re looking for, and be OK with saying goodbye to the people who aren’t on the same page. A casual relationship is totally worth it if what you want is something noncommittal and short-term. It may not be worth it for someone who really is holding out hope for something more serious or for someone who tends to want a lot of commitment and exclusivity in a relationship. “You have to be really honest with yourself about what you want and what your motivation for a particular kind of relationship is,” Henry says. “If you truly believe you can handle the lack of commitment and openness of casual dating, it might be for you.” Henry recommends exercising caution around casual dating if you: With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
