Let’s discuss the best ways to approach this tricky situation. Notably, the term “friend zone” has been heavily criticized over the years because of the way it discourages friendly behavior (particularly between men and women), encourages pushing back against people’s boundaries, and implies that romantic attention or sexual access can be earned, owed, or teased out of someone. In general, it’s important to avoid language (or behavior) that faults people for saying no or treats someone’s “no” as negotiable. (That’s why you’ll see us mostly avoiding the term “friend zone” throughout this article.) That isn’t to say that some people won’t sometimes change their minds about a friend and decide they’re open to romance with them when they previously weren’t. However, how you—as the friend—approach this situation is key to ensuring the relationship (whatever form it takes) feels good for both people. If you’re truly unsure where this person stands, make a move and see if it’s reciprocated—or just ask them directly and let them tell it to you straight. It can be hard to grok when you’re deep in the depths of your desire, but try to remember that even if this person ultimately decides they have zero interest in pursuing something with you, it isn’t the end of the world. There are other people out there who are going to be excited to hold your hand and/or jump your bones, without you needing to painstakingly draw it out of them. You’re also going to feel this way again about someone else, promise. (Just going to leave this list of the best dating apps on the market right here, in case you need a reminder of all the attractive people out in the universe.) Pay attention to how they receive your gesture: Are they flirting back, or do they seem uncomfortable and standoffish? If they’re playing ball and are signaling attraction, you can continue upping the ante by making bolder moves (pro tip: “I really want to kiss you right now” and “I really want to take you out sometime” are classics for a reason). If they’re trying to sidestep your advances, back off—don’t make them uncomfortable by pushing it when they’re clearly putting up the stop sign. While confessions naturally feel a little dramatic, try your best to keep it light as opposed to making the moment feel intense and pressurized. Let them know that they can take their time to think about it. Here are some potential ways to say it: If your friend tells you they aren’t interested in you, respect their answer. Avoid pressuring them to change their mind or making them feel guilty for not reciprocating your feelings. There’s always a chance they could change their mind, but it needs to come from them authentically—not as a result of you wearing them down. Constantly making efforts to push romance can make them uncomfortable or, worse, feeling the need to cut you out completely—the opposite of what you ultimately want. Prioritize their comfort, well-being, and agency. Not only because that’s what a healthy relationship is all about but also because people notice when other people care about and respect their boundaries. It makes them feel safer around you and more likely to want to connect with you in the future. Be a true friend to this person, without strings attached. As they spend more time sharing experiences with you and developing rapport with you, they may realize they’re becoming open to something romantic with you. The key is to keep the door open while also being content even if nothing ever comes of it. Remember: Being someone’s friend is not actually a demotion or a bad thing— it’s actually an invitation for closeness, just of a different type. It indicates that someone actually likes you as a person and wants to keep you in their life, as opposed to romantic or sexual partners which can often be fleeting. While that can feel hard to appreciate when you are craving a different kind of relationship with them, it’s important to keep that perspective. Being upfront that your feelings are still there can also let them know that they can come back around to the idea of dating you whenever they’re ready. Again, just make sure to read the room—if they don’t respond well to your overtures, ease off. Pressure is not sexy. And in case it needs reminding: Someone’s lack of romantic interest in you doesn’t mean you’re not a desirable person or partner. It just means you weren’t the right fit for this specific person at this specific time in their life, and that’s OK. You may be able to come back to a friendship (or something more intimate) again in the future, once the heightened emotions have cooled. Reconnecting after time apart can help you two start fresh and gives the other person the opportunity to see you in a new, potentially more intriguing light. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
