Whatever the circumstances, many people out there may be in the difficult position of cohabiting with an ex as the world rides out this pandemic. How do we work around the complications, the pain of proximity, and the challenge of boundary setting? “Are you seeing yourselves as former partners, now temporary roommates, with a romantic history?” Muñoz poses. “Are you transitioning into a friendship? Are you former spouses moving toward becoming co-parents? Former lovers still planning to be in business together?” Have a conversation about how you want to view your new relationship as exes living together and what the expectations are. Talking openly about this can remove some of the tension and create a sense of teamwork. You’re still two people who have a relationship, even if it’s no longer a romantic one. Civility matters. Do what feels right for your circumstance, and be extra mindful of both your own feelings and your ex’s feelings. Be crystal clear about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re expecting from each other to make sure no feelings get hurt. Err on the side of caution where possible, and continue checking in on each other to make sure everyone’s doing OK. (Here’s our guide on how to be friends with benefits the healthy way.) Conversely, if you’re opening up to exploring online dating with new partners, it wouldn’t hurt to check in with each other about that, too. If your priority is moving on from this relationship, Muñoz advises avoiding looking to your ex for sex, affection, emotional connection, or reassurances, as it will muddy the waters. And if that’s a struggle, “you may want to create a ‘Why I Need To Let Go of My Ex’ list,” she says. Some other ideas for boundary-setting she recommends include agreeing on when you’re going to be in different rooms or whether you need alone time. If you’re confined to a small space, perhaps you can simply work with your backs to each other. You can even get creative and use a makeshift room divider of string, clothespins, and a sheet. In this case, rather than a “Why I Need To Let Go” list, you may want to consider a “What I Love About My Ex” list that you can come back to as needed, “to help you approach them more openly,” Muñoz adds. It’s a good idea to set up a time to do this (even daily, if necessary), to have a brief conversation about where you’re both at, any concerns you have, and any new boundaries that need to be established. In the end, this will help you, but also your ex, because you’ll be able to “let go and/or live together more kindly and effectively,” Muñoz says, and practice all the aforementioned tips from a place of compassion. If possible, call the free National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-787-3224) to speak with a trained advocate who can direct you to where you can get free shelter for the time being while you figure out your next steps. They also have a secure online chat option available if you don’t have privacy for a phone call. (Here’s our full guide on how to leave an abusive relationship.) Before you have this conversation, explicitly bring up to your ex that you want to sit down and talk about it, Muñoz says. “This shows respect for your partner and takes into account the possibility that they may need to prepare for this conversation to approach it calmly and nonreactively. You can say, ‘I think it’s important we talk about the future and how we’re going to transition into our separate lives. Are you available to talk about this now or later today or this weekend?’” You can then prepare your list of fears, needs, and positive wishes for one another. It will be a hard talk, but it will help you both move forward in the long run. “Try to follow a speaker/listener protocol where only one person talks, and only one person listens, at a time,” Muñoz notes. “Even if your conversations trigger regret or sadness, try to allow these feelings to flow. Being authentic and vulnerable can create a bridge of connection even in the midst of separation.” This is by no means an easy pandemic for anyone, but for ex-partners navigating living together, there are certainly particular challenges that are bound to arise. Prioritize compassion—both for your ex and yourself—as you navigate this tricky situation.
