If they get a thrill when you demonstrate sweet expressions of appreciation, compliments, gratitude, and encouragement, it’s likely that their primary love language is words of affirmation. Words of affirmation is one of the five love languages, which are just specific ways of giving and receiving love in a relationship. If someone is drawn to words of affirmation as their love language, marriage and family therapist Michele DeMarco tells mbg, it’s because they believe words really matter and help them give a literal voice to how they feel inside. He reasoned that there are five love languages we all enjoy and experience on some level in our relationships—words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, touch, and gifts—but that we all have one or two dominant styles that we prefer for receiving and giving love. By figuring out your and your partner’s governing love language styles, it should theoretically help you both feel more seen and loved in your partnership. “Love is the strongest and healthiest form of human bonding and belonging. It’s that generative ‘felt sense’ deep inside that ties and binds us—emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually—to another person. Language is a system of symbols and rules that people use to express and share meaning. So, a love language, you might say, is how we communicate or share the deepest, most essential parts of ourselves,” notes DeMarco. In relationships, Di Leo asserts it’s important to clarify what your love languages are with each other so you two can sync up with each other and align better. The other languages revolve around action, touch, physicality, and time, while words of affirmation is centered on the importance of verbal expression. To people who are very into words of affirmation, they are uniquely aware of how powerful and beautiful words can really be. Words can be used as a way to tear someone down or build someone up. Since written and spoken language speaks directly to their heart, people with this love language will show their loved ones affection through effusive words, terms of endearment, and sweet little nothings, which are really sweet little everythings. To some, words may not seem that meaningful, but to people whose love language is words of affirmation, underneath each word is an ocean of meaning and significance that is working to either strengthen or weaken the relationship’s bonds. “Appreciation is at the heart of having words of affirmation as a love language. It recognizes quality over quantity and substance over appearance. It promotes empathy and compassion, increases intimacy, and helps to keep us calm and content,” DeMarco explains. She adds, “It comes down to inclination—a person’s natural way to act or feel. Some people need to hear or read love’s meaning, while others prefer to show not tell. The importance here is less in the why and more in the that—especially that one knows their own inclination, as well as their partner’s.” What matters is that you are tending to your words with care and getting down to the root of why you love your partner when you speak. Here are a few tips to keep in mind for using words of affirmation: If you see a moment to encourage them in some way, go for it. Chapman likens love languages to the analogy of filling a love tank. Think about it this way: By refueling their appetite for affirmation (with the right fuel!), they will be overflowing with gratitude and approach the relationship from an expansive place when they feel supported. The act of crafting a highly specific and personalized message matters more than repeating a line you heard in a movie or copy and pasting a poem you found online. They will value it infinitely more when it comes from the heart. If you must say something negative, try couching your constructive comments in between compliments so they are able to hear it without being defensive. DeMarco suggests being yourself. Get creative, be funny, and express yourself, in your voice. “Show that you know them specifically, what they need to feel loved. Love is not a one-size-fits-all. Pay attention to what your partner responds to,” she says. Some people prefer statements that aren’t directed at their appearance and prefer to be celebrated for their contributions, or they may want more acknowledgment on a day-to-day level. It’s important to move away from the generalities of the theory and focus on being hyper-targeted with your partner so you can show up in your partnership the way that they need you to, on an individual level. “Not only will your partner be appreciative, but they will also remember it as being brave and heartfelt,” says DeMarco. “While your partner’s need for words is not necessarily your natural strength of comfort zone, they won’t expect perfection. Rather, they’ll be appreciative of your effort that much more.” By taking the time to celebrate, support, affirm, and reinvest your partner with words of affirmation, it will serve to invite more love into your life.
