“I think people can feel intense attraction and connection that they can mistake as love,” licensed marriage therapist Racine R. Henry, Ph.D., LMFT, tells mbg. “We all like to believe that love is only magic, but a lot of it is actually choice.” How long it takes to fall in love can vary depending on the individual and what their personal definition of love is. But as psychologist and sex therapist Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, explains, romantic love requires actually knowing someone and their full self—something that’s impossible to do just by looking at a person. “If you see someone and never speak a word to them, do you truly feel love? Not if you define love as deep caring, understanding, support, and affection,” Henry says. That said, sometimes the initial chemistry between two people who’ve just met can feel so strong that it leaves a lasting impression, according to licensed marriage therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT. “Two people can feel a deep sense of knowing each other along with an unexplainable level of connection and attraction upon first meeting each other. It’s possible to sense that those feelings will remain regardless of what unfolds beyond their first encounter.” As for actually falling in love, a set of researchers set out in 2017 to study love at first sight as soon as it happened. They staged meetings with potential romantic partners for some 400 men and women and then asked about the feelings they experienced during the encounter. A small number of people did report falling in love at first sight, but those feelings didn’t include high passion, intimacy, or commitment—all the classic hallmarks of romantic love psychologists look for, according to Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. The main factor that predicted falling in love at first sight with a stranger? Physical attraction. In fact, rating a person one point higher in attractiveness was associated with a nine times higher likelihood of reporting love at first sight. That suggests a great majority of people who claim to have fallen in love at first sight are actually experiencing lust at first sight. To be fair, love and lust are very commonly confused, according to psychologists Simone Humphrey, PsyD, and Signe Simon, Ph.D. “The two phenomena activate similar neural pathways1 in the brain that are involved in view of the self, goal-directed behavior, happiness, reward, and addiction,” they write at mbg. The intense, all-consuming feelings of passion, exhilaration, and longing associated with falling in love are the product of a series of neurochemical reactions in which the brain’s reward system, fueled by the neurotransmitter dopamine, motivates the person to seek closeness and intimacy with the object of their affection—similar to the way the brain behaves when a person is experiencing drug addiction. Research by behavioral anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., suggests this romantic drive response system can theoretically be triggered instantaneously. That said, other research has found differences in the brains of people who’ve recently fallen in love compared with those who’ve been in love for decades2. While the brain’s reward systems lit up for both groups of people when thinking of their beloved, the newly-in-love couples had some additional parts of the brain activated: the ones associated with fear and anxiety. Early feelings of love don’t necessarily mean two people are a good fit for each other, Cullins emphasizes. “The idea that ’love conquers all’ is quite misleading,” she says. “Having an initial sense of deep knowing and loving connection with another person can serve as a strong base, but healthy and happy couples are also compatible in their approach to daily life, use communication and conflict resolution skills to overcome inevitable challenges, and work hard to stay in tune with each other as they evolve.” Also: Love and dating are supposed to be fun! So lean in and enjoy the rush. “Understanding your relationship with boundaries can help you determine how much you should trust your instincts when you feel you are falling in love with someone you just met. If falling in love at first sight or shortly after meeting an individual happens rather frequently, then it may be time to look at other factors that may be contributing to those feelings of immediate closeness you feel.” “Just because you sense that you are falling in love with someone you just met, it doesn’t mean that the person or situation is safe to pursue on every level,” she says. “Until you determine true compatibility, which takes time and experiencing different aspects of daily life together, it’s safest to proceed with caution.” The reality is, every couple has their own unique timeline, and there’s no reason to rush to say “I love you.” Love is something that grows, something that often requires time to learn about each other and your dynamic as a duo. “Feeling an instant loving connection to another person isn’t a prerequisite for eventually falling in love or having a healthy successful partnership if that’s the goal,” Cullins says. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
