Here was my experience with IVF, how it strained my marriage, and what I learned from the experience. The night after our awful fight, I got a text from a friend that said, “I love you, and I’m here for you.” I realized then that I hadn’t said those very words to my own husband. My own grief hadn’t allowed me to acknowledge his. He had stood by me when I was at my lowest and now it was my turn to stand by him. I vowed to comfort him and to disregard my own pain for an evening. That night, the loss was not ours, not mine, but his. And it made me want to cry less—channeling my energy into comforting my husband. The next morning, in return, he comforted me. We were without child, but he had gained something: the ability to comfort each other through shared loss. We still had a steep road ahead, but those hard times actually taught us crucial lessons about love that we use to this day, 11 years into our relationship. Some of my own deepest discussions with my husband have come out of this question, and have helped us love each other more deeply, drawing us closer rather than pushing us apart. Today, these lessons guide our roles as partners and as parents.
