Here, licensed psychotherapists Carrie Mead, LCPC, and Kimberly Perlin, LCSW-C, explain the telltale signs of narcissistic abuse, how narcissistic abuse syndrome is diagnosed, and offer tips to heal from a toxic relationship with a narcissist. “It is a form of relating with another where one demeans and controls the other,” Perlin explains. She says whether the control is explicit, (e.g., I don’t want you going over to your mother’s house) or more subtle (e.g., I wish you wouldn’t go out because I really need you tonight), the narcissist’s goal is to keep their partner dependent on praise and preoccupied with the narcissist’s needs. Narcissistic abuse also tends to involve copious amounts of gaslighting, Mead adds. “This means they deny any wrongdoing when confronted by their partner, and they flip the situation in such a way that the victim is now to blame for whatever felt abusive.” When this happens repeatedly, the victim begins to question their own self-worth, intuition, and reality. In Mead’s experience, abusers also alienate victims from friends and family so the victim feels isolated, alone, and afraid. “There can be physical abuse, controlling one’s money, free time, friendships, and opinions. The non-abusive partner is often called names, their motives are questioned, and they are told how to feel,” Perlin adds. The abusive partner may justify these actions by claiming to be well intentioned. Perlin says that narcissism often stems from childhood experiences. “A parent may have either trained you to care for their needs or neglected you by catering to all whims, thus setting up the expectation that others would as well,” she offers. Another explanation is that people who were abused and demeaned as children may have normalized such behaviors and carried them into adult relationships. Some say that narcissism can be easiest to identify in people with the power and money to self-isolate, meaning that they can control their environment enough to minimize contact with people who give them negative or critical feedback. Yet, an extreme need to be the center of attention or disregard others’ feelings can also take the form of feigning victimhood or unhealthy codependency. The fact is that narcissism is hard to diagnose. There are no medical tests that identify it, so psychologists consider an amalgam of signs and symptoms that alone might be perfectly healthy traits. Therapists use a chart of the most common behaviors associated with narcissistic personality disorder to see if a person is displaying an abnormal sense of grandiosity, perfectionism, or self-loathing associated with the condition. Mead says that after being in a relationship with a narcissist, it is common to feel mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. Some people suffer physical symptoms of prolonged stress, like difficulty sleeping, digestive problems, and anxiety-induced attacks or triggered reactions. “Recovering from toxic or narcissistic relationships takes time,” she says. “You feel fragile, unsure of yourself, and unable to trust. These are all signs that you are in recovery from an abusive relationship.” With time and help from a professional psychotherapist, you can heal. Keep an eye out for these early warning signs: Narcissists will try to make other people feel like their own judgment or memory is unreliable, which helps the narcissist’s narrative of the truth prevail. Once in control of the narrative, they believe they can control outcomes to their own benefit. The narcissist will try to keep their victim from spending time with loved ones and friends, particularly ones who ask questions about how much the victim has changed since being with the narcissistic partner or those who display disapproval toward this partner. The narcissist may also try to break bonds of trust by lying or speaking poorly of their partner’s loved ones, or they may create confrontation or emergencies to ensure that the partner is too distracted to make or keep plans with others. Victims report feeling disoriented about social norms after having been disconnected for so long. After becoming accustomed to controlling behaviors, a victim may not know how to behave “appropriately” around others. This might look like being standoffish in social settings or avoiding those who the narcissist may deem threatening. A lack of grounding relationships outside of the abuser results in the victim’s social isolation. In its most egregious form, verbal snipes become emotional abuse. Name-calling, blaming, and judging can give way to threats, yelling, and the silent treatment. And while verbal abuse may not involve physically touching a person, these interactions can still be violent. Narcissists’ superiority complex also helps them justify bullying and harassment. Partners of narcissists may say things, like “I don’t want to say the wrong thing. You should really ask him/her what is best. I’m afraid I’ll say or do something that s/he won’t like. It is best that I stay out of this.” All of these statements show a power dynamic tipped toward the side of the abuser. A person who has been subject to abuse for a prolonged period may make comments like, “Don’t say that about them. You don’t know them like I do. They’re dealing with a lot and don’t normally act this way.” These are common cover-ups. Victims may be saying this because they truly do believe that their partner is good, but often it is a self-preservation mechanism. To save face, a narcissist may appear to take bad news well publicly, but privately they can take out their anger and insecurities on the victim. Recovering from toxic relationships takes time because, after such a relationship, everyone seems threatening. The manipulation of such a partnership has likely isolated victims from a social system that could help in recovery, so it is essential to revisit the past to understand better how to start fresh. “In therapy, we also explore why and how you got into this relationship. Often this involves exploring unhealed childhood wounds and lifelong people-pleasing behavior,” Mead explains. “When trust in self and trust in others returns, healing begins to take place.” Healing from narcissistic abuse begins with rebuilding your self-identity, restoring a self-care routine, and establishing personal boundaries that protect your mental and physical well-being. Regular healthy communication with a professional can offer new insights to improve the relationship or prepare the necessary groundwork for a safe breakup. Talking through what happened in one toxic relationship tends to uncover many more lurking in the shadows. Some might be familial, making them much harder to walk away from permanently, and deep-seated in trauma or abuse. In those cases, holistic mental health therapy can help you heal from those traumas and set healthy new boundaries for the future. Seeking professional help is imperative to breaking patterns of physical and psychological abuse. Originally from New Jersey, she has lived in Spain, India, Mozambique, Angola, and South Africa. She speaks four languages (reads in three), but primarily publishes in English. Her writing placements range from popular trade magazines like Better Home & Gardens, Real Simple, and Whetstone to academic journals like Harvard’s Transition Magazine, the Centre for Feminist Foreign Policy, and the Oxford Monitor.
