We all desire and deserve healthy, mutually supportive relationships, but sometimes we can find ourselves entangled with people who manipulate and harm us. Why do some people get a rise out of putting others down? Here, we’ll be doing a deep dive into the psychology behind this form of emotional control and how to deal with it. The term negging first showed up in the world of “pickup artists,” men who prey on women and seek to break them down in order to have sex with them. Over time, negging has come to be coupled more generally with any kind of relationship that is built on one party trying to undermine the other for their own gain. It’s important to acknowledge that while negging is most commonly seen in the context of romantic relationships, it can also show up in friendships, work relationships, and families. Make no mistake: “Negging is a form of abuse,” says Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, LCP, Ph.D., licensed clinical psychologist and media advisor for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation. It is not a valid or even effective way to flirt, no matter what pickup artists might say. Negging is presented as the ultimate fail-safe flirting technique because it knocks women down and positions the negger as the only one who can build them back up. But in reality, people who neg others are often the ones who are insecure in themselves and see negging as the “only” way they can flirt. Emotionally abusing someone into sleeping with you is not only immoral, but it often actually has the opposite effect of making people not want to be around you. “Negging is a great way to signal to people that you’re insecure and a terrible person to be in a relationship with,” licensed therapist Nick Bognar, LMFT, says. “So, on some level, it’s a great thing when someone negs you because it would often take a lot longer to figure out that they’re awful to be with.” The simplest response is to ignore them and stop interacting with them, suggests de la Rosa. Wasting energy on trying to engage with someone who cannot respect you can be extremely draining. If you feel that you’re able to, “you can directly confront the person and tell them you do not like the way they are talking to you,” he says. However, be aware that the person may then respond to your confrontation with more abusive behaviors, such as gaslighting. Additionally, de la Rosa emphasizes that it is never your responsibility to change a person’s abusive behavior, but you can absolutely make it clear to them that what they’re doing is not OK. If you think there’s a chance that the person might be able to take it in properly, then you can try saying something like, “When you make a comment like that, it makes me feel both angry and hurt—angry because I know you are trying to make me feel bad, and hurt because, even though I know your motive, your words are still impactful,” suggests licensed therapist John Mathews, LCSW. “If you meet someone you think is cute, go say hello and be direct about it. Say that you think they are cute and that you would like to take them on a date,” he says. Engaging with people about their interests is always a surefire hit, as people are generally more comfortable when the focus is not directly on them at first. “I met my wife at a wedding almost 10 years ago now. I noticed she was playing a game, and I stepped up to compete against her, and she was a fierce competitor. I asked what her name was and if she would like to go on a date with me some time,” Schroeder shares. “Ten years later, here we are!” And of course, part of good flirting is also being gracious if the other person isn’t interested. If that’s the case, then thank them politely for being honest and move on. (For more ideas, here’s how to know if someone likes you, how to build sexual tension, and more online dating tips.) The best practice for relationships is always open, honest, and clear communication, in which all parties are genuine and vulnerable with each other. If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.
