Soon-to-be-dads tend to focus on the practical stuff, like car seat installation, baby-proofing the house, and the like. While settling the hardware of parenting is important, Sara Shadravan, a Los Angeles–based parenting coach and educational consultant, encourages dads to remember to tackle the bigger picture. Here are a few ways to start preparing for fatherhood, according to parenting experts and fathers themselves: Here are a few to consider: Of course, there’s no need to limit yourself to books. There are also podcasts, Facebook groups, blogs, websites, and YouTube channels chock-full of information. Pick the ones that don’t make you feel overwhelmed or guilty. You can also attend prenatal and antenatal classes or work with a parenting coach to get more hands-on education. Try to go to all doctor’s appointments, especially the visit when you get to hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Ask questions about your baby’s development and the pregnancy stages. Discuss delivery options and birth plans, help pack the hospital bag, and learn how to hold a newborn. Enjoy the process—use it to bond with your partner and your soon-to-be-born child. If your childhood was traumatic or complicated, or if the thought of parenting just makes you anxious, know that you are not alone in having an emotional reaction to the prospect of parenting. Before the baby comes is a great time to recognize and work through these feelings. It can be helpful to work with a therapist who can help you unpack your experiences (past and present) and learn healthy ways to manage the stress and difficulties that inevitably come with parenthood. If those prompts aren’t working, try to picture your child as an adult. What would you want them to say about you? Focus on the lessons you want to impart, the guidance and love that you want to give. Think of your role in relation to your partner’s and how can you complement each other. It can help to research the various parenting styles that exist and decide what resonates most with you. Get your finances in order, set bill payments to automatic, pay any outstanding bills, and get ahead a few months if you can. How? This might mean consolidating debt, applying for loan forgiveness programs, or proactively inquiring about employee benefits that could be particularly useful. Do everything you can to make your financial situation less stressful, as parenthood brings with it a slew of new expenses. Stay in good physical health, get a doctor’s checkup, eat healthy and balanced meals, and get sufficient sleep. If you can’t care for your own well-being, it will be hard to help your family do the same. “Many new parents struggle with exhaustion, anxiety, depression, and burnout,” Wolf adds—so having practices in place to proactively care for your mental health will help a lot when the rubber hits the road. “When it comes to raising children, we’ve all heard that ‘it takes a village,’” Wolf reminds. Chances are, there are family members and friends who are your village; you’ve just never had to call on them so regularly before. Think of people who can help care for the baby, especially people who have had kids recently, family who can be available for last-minute babysitting, and anyone who you can call about health issues. For the latter, you’ll have a pediatrician who can answer many pressing questions, but sometimes you just need someone to remind you to use diaper rash cream. Remember, this tough initial phase is temporary and common. Think ahead about how you’ll adapt—schedule flower deliveries months ahead, book babysitters in advance, and explore ways to show affection without sex. “Maintaining relational health for the long haul requires consistent attention,” says Wolf. “Be sure to vocalize your love, support, and gratitude for your partner on an ongoing basis, even when you don’t feel like you are getting a lot in return. You will not only be letting your partner know how you feel, but you’ll also be contributing to a positive, productive tone in your interactions at times when emotions can run high and conflict comes more easily.” It’s important to find ways to continue nurturing your romantic relationship—for yourselves and for your child. “Putting your relationship first and staying close to each other models a healthy, intimate partnership,” licensed couples’ counselor and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman writes at mbg. “It creates a stable bond that can be the foundation of the household. The kids find security in knowing that their parents are happy and connected.” (Here’s her full guide to navigating sex as parents, too.) Also assume that—even if you agree on your role—there will be chore slippage. Have a backup plan to cover for the inevitable. If resources allow, consider a postpartum doula visit every few days, a babysitter every few weeks, and a cleaning company every month or two. These professional backups are easy to schedule in advance and simple to cancel if you don’t need them. They are much harder to book when you’re in a pinch or already playing catchup. If you and your partner don’t live together or aren’t romantically involved, you’ll still want to set up sturdy co-parenting ground rules. Remember, you and your co-parent are a team. You’re not in competition, so there’s no need to compare. Find ways to complement each other, and don’t defer or delay your parenting opportunities because you think your partner does it better or has natural instincts that you don’t. Remember that if you neglect key relationships now, they may be harder to kick-start later. You may need to redefine what hanging out means so that seeing friends and family after the baby comes still feels good for the soul. Reset expectations with your friends while still showing that you care about them, and spend quality time together in ways that don’t drain you. Bar hopping and Sunday brunches might be off the table for now, but watching the game or going for a hike might be exactly what the doctor ordered. Even before the baby comes, lead this conversation with your partner: How do you want to schedule visits with immediate family and friends? Do you prefer to introduce them to your newborn on Zoom or WhatsApp video chat instead of in person? Consider all your options and set ground rules before the baby comes. Your partner and those who love you will appreciate this early expectation-setting. Here’s where expecting dads can really help. Shadravan says they can “establish family rituals and celebrate every little win.” Whether it is a standing barbecue or a commitment to honor an ancestor on the same day every year, dads can initiate these conversations and hold everyone to them. Kidding aside, take the time to talk to your future child even while they’re growing in the belly. Research shows that a fetus can start to hear1 around 16 to 18 weeks in utero, and by 27 to 30 weeks, they can respond to voices. Curl up next to the baby bump and read stories, sing, or just introduce yourself. Shortly after the baby is born, you won’t be able to get a word in edgewise. Take advantage of the time now. “Who gets everything right in their first 90 days at a new job? Now imagine that job being in a career you have no experience or schooling in,” he says. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. Learn as you go, be humble, admit your mistakes, and fail forward.” Originally from New Jersey, she has lived in Spain, India, Mozambique, Angola, and South Africa. She speaks four languages (reads in three), but primarily publishes in English. Her writing placements range from popular trade magazines like Better Home & Gardens, Real Simple, and Whetstone to academic journals like Harvard’s Transition Magazine, the Centre for Feminist Foreign Policy, and the Oxford Monitor.
