“Sometimes people who are wonderful partners for you (share your values, histories, interests, etc.) are also folx who are not going in the same direction in life,” therapist Dennis Nguyen, LCSW, (no relation to the author, by the way!) explains to mbg. For example, one or both people may be going through something challenging, experiencing a significant life transition, or simply aren’t currently interested in a relationship. Since you aren’t able to see the relationship through, a “right person, wrong time” situation may leave you with a fear that you’re somehow missing out on this mythical soulmate connection—and make it easy to project fantasies onto them. “You may feel like you have to do whatever it takes to make the connection work, even at your detriment, because it’s the ‘right person,’” says licensed mental health counselor Juliann King, LMHC. When you’re faced with the possibility of love, you want to believe that you will surrender completely to the experience—but sometimes life happens. It’s painful when it doesn’t work out, but the reality is that the glittery, exciting feelings of liking someone happens fairly often in dating. The true magic is both people making the choice to commit to something together. “If you feel like your goals are incompatible or would create a lot of barriers to being together, this can be a sign that it’s the wrong time,” he says. “When two people are heading in a similar direction in life, there may still be barriers, but perhaps there isn’t as much of an obstruction.” Nguyen points out that there is also no real urgency. Life is long, and people change. Just because it’s not working out with someone right now, it doesn’t mean that you’ve lost out on your one chance of happiness. “Life will continue on, and there are plenty of opportunities to date [and] maybe even date this right person when the time is right. Even if this opportunity passes, there will be more,” he says. “Take time to reflect on what you need now and where you’re going in life. Yes, this person feels like the right person, but do you need the ‘right person’? Maybe you need more time to heal. Maybe you need to focus on taking care of your body, heart, and soul. Maybe you need to connect more with friends and family. Maybe you need to follow your career where it’s going or stay in place. What do you need now and how might this right person fit, if able?” “Moving to approaching connections from a more secure place may completely get rid of the idea of the right person, wrong time,” King says. Dating with a secure attachment style is about desiring a whole partner who is ready for you and can meet your needs. It’s gut-wrenching that you couldn’t have them in your life the way that you had hoped. But your good feelings for them can still persist by seeing them as an event for positive change in your life instead of a lost opportunity. Sometimes, certain people are only meant to be in your life for a short time to show you that there are a lot of people that can match with you or remind you of the kind of life-affirming beauty that love can bring. Plus, it’ll make it that much more meaningful when you do meet the right person where everything aligns. King shares some signs that you’re with the right person at the right time: “If someone is not ready or able to love you in the way that you deserve to be loved, it is OK to step away and trust that you will find the love you desire and deserve,” King says. “Don’t limit yourself to the right person, wrong time connection. There’s always more love to be found that can meet you exactly where you are.”
