This week, a frightening study1 from Michigan State University found teen girls who have sexual experiences online were more likely to experience sexual assault, engage in unsafe sex, and find themselves in a violent relationship. The online sexual experiences included things like posting sexual photos of themselves on social media, watching porn, having conversations about sex with people online, and getting solicited for nudes and sex from strangers online. Even the lead researcher behind the study, MSU human development and family studies professor Megan Maas, Ph.D., notes that the core message of these findings is less about trying to stop your teens from exploring their burgeoning sexuality and more about starting to have some candid conversations about sex in the context of the internet. “Rather than trying to tackle the impossible—like eliminating teens’ exposure to porn or ability to sext—we can and should educate them about these realities and risks and offer alternatives for learning about and expressing sexuality,” Maas said in a news release. Plenty of studies show sexting is a totally normal and even healthy behavior for adults, but it’s a totally different story with kids: Most states have laws against creating, possessing, or distributing images of minors, which includes the nude photos kids take of themselves and send to one another. From a sex-positive perspective, the main issue here is that many kids have not yet developed the wisdom to understand the potential consequences of their digital decisions, take any necessary precautions to protect themselves, recognize people who might be likely to hurt them, and empathize with others enough to not be the one to inflict pain. (Many adults don’t even have those skills down pat yet, let alone teens!) Likewise, watching pornography is an exceedingly normal behavior, one that many sex therapists, in fact, recommend as a means of helping adult individuals and couples explore their sexuality and erotic interests. But there’s a lot of bad porn out there portraying negative, harmful, and unrealistic images of how sex works, and some research suggests the dark side of porn can include some negative repercussions for your relationships. Finally, posting attractive or sensual photos of yourself on social media can be very empowering for adults, especially women, as they’re able to reclaim and enjoy their bodies for themselves. “These behaviors can definitely be healthy,” says Jimanekia Eborn, a comprehensive sex educator and host of the Trauma Queen podcast, in an interview with mbg. But she expresses worry for young people like teens who might not be doing it out of self-love at all but rather out of a need for other people’s approval: “A lot of these acts are done in a way that is not healthy. It can be harmful in the sense of disconnection of self as well as trying to prove something to someone else.” That’s where parents come in. We spoke with two sex educators and a family psychologist about how parents can best approach these conversations about sex and keep their teens safe when it comes to online sexuality. Listen: Most adults are still trying to figure out their own sexuality. Having and raising kids doesn’t suddenly make you an expert, and it’s OK to admit that. If this is a subject that makes you uncomfortable or that you haven’t spent a lot of time exploring yourself, now is a great time to do that—it’ll help you talk to your kids about sex in a positive and informed way. And even if you’re plenty comfortable with your own sexuality, it’s important to have modern, up-to-date information about sex. Seek out sex-positive educational resources, whether that’s reading material or workshops you can attend in real life. (This article has a few great places to start.) You can also try listening to some sex-positive sex ed podcasts like Six-Minute Sex Ed, The Sex Ed, The Hook Up, or Queer Sex Ed. “It is important for parents to understand the impact of certain behaviors, but it is more important for parents to stay connected to their teen during a fundamental time in their identity development, especially when exploration and curiosity are part of this stage,” Bobbi Wegner, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist at Boston Behavioral Medicine who specializes in working with modern families, tells mbg. Eborn, too, stresses the importance of making sure your kids see you as an ally. “If they are scared to talk to you, you are going to miss out on future conversations where you can totally be saving them. Be open to whatever may come up.” “Helping teens understand their emotions and think through why they might feel pulled to post a sexy picture is going to effect the most positive response,” Wegner adds. “Promote open dialogue, empathy, understanding, and curiosity around what is driving the emotion under the behavior.” Additionally, research shows2 boys are four times more likely to pressure girls to send nude images than the other way around, and girls often struggle to navigate3 these confusing situations and end up giving in to that pressure because they feel coerced or don’t want to ruin a potential romantic relationship. That means a big part of the conversation around sexting has to involve getting teen boys to understand that it’s never OK to pressure a girl into sending a nude—especially when they’re both underage. Additionally, for all its dangers, the internet also comes with access to endless positive resources about sex. Cavill recommends Common Sense Media’s sexting handbook for parents and teens to work through together, the Scarleteen sex ed website for teens, and Amaze.org sex ed videos for kids ages 4 to 14. Watching your child grow up and start engaging in new experiences—especially potentially risky ones—can be nerve-wracking for a parent, but it doesn’t have to be scary. Keep the lines of communication in the family open, welcoming, and supportive, and keep yourself educated on the evolving world of sexuality so you can keep passing on the knowledge your kids need. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
