There are different types of friends we may have in our lives, each of which plays a distinct role and may benefit our lives in different ways. “We can think about different types of friendships in terms of how much intimacy we want, how much depth we want,” explains Marisa G. Franco, Ph.D., a psychologist, professor at the University of Maryland, and New York Times bestselling author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—And—Keep Friends. “If we can treat each of these friendships differently, we can harness what’s best about them in a way that best works for us and the friendship.” “While people tend to think that clearly toxic relationships are the unhealthiest kinds, ambivalent relationships can actually be even more draining,” Neo writes at mbg. “Emotionally, this type of relationship puts a strain on our psyches. We’re spending considerable head space, time, and energy on these people who don’t quite come through the way they say they will and who don’t always bring us real joy.” While codependent friends can chip away at our well-being, there are ways to overcome codependency and move toward a healthier friendship if both people commit to the change. She adds that different friends expose us to different experiences and cultures, which helps to expand what we’re knowledgeable about and comfortable with. Moreover, it’s rare that one person can fulfill all our various social, emotional, and intimacy needs. “I don’t think one person can fulfill all the different roles that friendships can provide,” she explains. “We can often feel like we’re kind of shrinking if we’re only interacting with one person, even if that’s our very best friend.” Franco recommends asking yourself: Am I fulfilled with these interactions? Do I feel lonely? Are there parts of my identity that I don’t feel able to express? “Our answers to that might inform whether we need more connection in our lives,” she explains, or if we need a few more types of friends in addition to the ones we already have. “But I think it’s also really important to keep in mind that friendship ebbs and flows, and there’ll be times when we feel closer and times when we feel more distant,” Franco adds. “If we take that ebb to mean the friendship is over…it’ll impede our ability to keep long-term friends. So just make sure the friendship is over and over rather than just an ebb in the ebb and flow of our relationships.” It’s never too late to make new friends as an adult, and there are even a plethora of friend finder apps that make the process easy. So, check in with yourself and consider whether your social network feels full and well rounded or if there are a few more types of friends you could use in your corner. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
