Take a recent study2 from the journal Sexuality Research and Social Policy that revealed how people tend to dehumanize those in CNM relationships. Researchers asked 455 straight people to evaluate a series of hypothetical couples, including some monogamous, some consensually non-monogamous, some straight, and some gay. CNM couples were described in less human terms—they were seen as having less love, compassion, and remorse and as having more “animalistic” emotions like lust and fear. People in CNM relationships were even more dehumanized than gay men, suggesting people might have even more prejudice against people for being consensually non-monogamous than for being gay. Past research has found the stigma around CNM also extends to personality traits, the researchers note, with people in CNM relationships considered less intelligent and as having fewer morals. Of course, these prejudices are in direct contrast to the actual experiences of consensually non-monogamous people, who often have very healthy relationship practices and report being very committed to their primary partner. So where exactly is the stigma coming from? Indeed, the researchers point out that a lot of the negative perceptions of CNM relationships mirror the way people continue to judge anyone who has a lot of sex with a lot of different people, all based on the old-school, faith-based notion of sex being reserved for the context of love and emotional connection. As Dow points out, a lot of movies and television still subtly nod toward this view of sexuality; our entire idea of romance is largely shaped by the love stories we see on screens big and small, many of which herald the idea of two “soul mates” coming together and choosing each other forever. “The stigma and judgment against CNM comes from the notion that there is a hierarchy of ‘goodness’ in the way we conduct our lives, and a monogamous relationship is high on this hierarchy,” explains Megan Jacoby, another licensed marriage and family therapist who works with people in CNM relationships. “Society is most comfortable with two individuals (preferably straight, cis individuals) coming together, falling in love, entering into a monogamous commitment, having children, and then functioning mainly as parents, focusing on the upbringing of children rather than any individual wants and needs. We find this particular road to be ‘good,’ whereas someone who, say, does not partner, has multiple sexual or romantic partners, or even doesn’t have children, is ‘bad.’ These are long-held beliefs that take a very long time to challenge.” “We humans tend to view the world through lenses of our own projections,” Dow explains. “My father’s reaction to my CNM lifestyle was a clear example of this. After much thought he realized his struggle in acceptance was due to his desire for me to experience the same joy he has through monogamy. Once he acknowledged that we find joy in different things, his approval increased. When people have strong reactions to other people’s choices, it’s often due to similar projections of how making that choice would feel to them. In the case of CNM, those projections tend to inspire intense reactions because they strike our most vulnerable feelings of love—including fear, shame, and heartache.” “From those in more than one relationship who have to hide all but one relationship from their families (thus leading partners to not feeling prioritized/loved/respected) to those who have lost jobs to those who have lost friendships, CNM folks are used to having to gauge how honest they can be with others,” Jacoby says. “Often, CNM folks feel they need to explain themselves or downplay their sexual and romantic preferences in order to make themselves seem more ’normal.’ This all can lead to isolation, putting up with problematic behaviors in relationship rather than looking externally to friends and family for help, distancing from loved ones, depression, and anxiety.” Even if you do choose to keep your identity a secret, she still recommends seeking out a support network of either other CNM people or at least a few educated, open-minded folks whom you can confide in when you need help or support. Look for people you can talk to about your relationship concerns without their immediate response being a critique about CNM itself; that will only wear you down and make you feel more isolated. Many large cities have polyamorous Meetup groups and social events, which can be found through Google searches and can be great places to connect with like-minded people. Dow also recommends prioritizing self-care and self-development. “Make sure you make time to nurture yourself so you can stay grounded and confident amid whatever negativity may come your way,” she says. “The more secure your foundation is within yourself, the less external judgments will be able to rattle you.” Lastly, Jacoby adds, “If they feel able to, I encourage CNM folks in positions of privilege to be out, because visibility is the most effective long-term way to combat stigma.” With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
