According to licensed therapist Jody Kemmerer, LCSW, toxic positivity stems from wishing we were feeling something we aren’t. We aren’t comfortable with those tough feelings, “so we admonish ourselves to feel differently,” she previously explained to mbg. But if we do this all the time to avoid or deny our genuine experiences, she says, “we run the risk of invalidating our feelings.” In the past year, the phenomenon of toxic positivity has received more and more attention. Some dealt with the pandemic by forcing themselves into a positive mindset, while others were quick to call out the invalidating and borderline gaslighting nature of toxic positivity. It’s OK to feel sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, or any other more difficult emotion. The key, Spinelli notes, is to give yourself grace through compassion. “Toxic positivity doesn’t make room for being self-compassionate or empathic,” she says, adding it “creates obstacles to process traumas or feelings appropriately and effectively.” And not only does it not allow us to process our own emotions, but according to Spinelli, it can also create feelings of self-judgment, heightening the inner critic and negatively affecting self-esteem. Noticing when toxic positivity is creeping in can also require some mindfulness on your part, whether you’re being that way toward yourself or others. When you find yourself avoiding or deflecting tough emotions, as Spinelli says, try to be present for them. Sit with an acknowledge them, rather than trying to shrug them off. And if you’re dealing with a friend or family member pushing toxic positivity when you’re feeling down, it’s the same idea—and it’s important to stand firm in your truth. Only you know exactly how you’re feeling, and someone telling you to “just keep your chin up” isn’t always productive or helpful. Explaining that you want to feel the tough emotions before looking on the bright side, or want to be more OK with processing and feeling them, should get the message across. “In my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve noticed that gratitude actually comes after a process of surrendering to our painful emotions, not after willing in something positive,” Kimmerer notes. When it comes to talking with other people, therapist and author of How To Be Alone Megan Bruneau, M.A., previously told mbg to avoid saying things like “Be positive!” or “You have so much to be grateful for!” “This usually leads to them feeling shamed and misunderstood,” she adds.
