It’s here in this relationship purgatory that you need to decide whether or not you want to repair and reawaken the relationship, or if you want to let it go. “If you are falling out of love, you may feel a sense of strain and effort in daily interactions with your partner as your internal feelings and external life become increasingly incongruent,” she tells mindbodygreen. “As a result, you may find yourself feeling more comfortable apart than you feel together—more authentic and able to be in a state of flow.” “This may also include deeper self-work, which includes understanding the parts that contributed to the ‘fall out,’” she tells mbg. “When we take a deeper look, we may find that our needs weren’t getting met or that we did not feel challenged, therefore not growing as an individual.” Working with a therapist can be helpful in assessing where both your hearts lie. Jernigan recommends discernment counseling, a type of therapy specifically designed to help couples work toward either reawakening their love or saying a loving goodbye. You can also look into couples therapy more broadly. Think about what you want from your partner and then ask yourself if you’re even delivering it yourself. (Hello, the golden rule of treating others the way you’d like to be treated.) “If you’re not, take the risk to give what you may not be receiving,” Jernigan says. “Someone has to go first. If your relationship is going to get out of the rut, you have to put pride and fear aside and risk-taking the first leap toward change.” Next, ask yourself about how your partner can show up for you and whether or not you’re creating such conditions, she says. For example, maybe you want more physical touch from your partner, but you just can’t put down your phone in the evenings. Of course, have your partner explore their own answers to these questions too—and remember to not get defensive or point fingers. Ultimately, identifying issues is great and dandy, but positive outcomes only come with put in the effort to change your behaviors. “What is more important than the problematic patterns, themselves, are the intentions of both partners to genuinely grow and take risks to create change,” Jernigan says. Plan dates ahead of time and mark them in your calendar. Set a bedtime so you’re both making time for sex and pillow talk. Send each other loving and flirtatious texts during the day. Most importantly, turn your phones off in the evening and set (and actually follow!) boundaries with work. On top of quality time, Herzog recommends ushering in check-ins with your partner about your relationship to see how you’re both feeling about where you’re going and how you’re being treated. “Sometimes we fall out of love because we have overly adapted ourselves to fit into what we think is expected of us in our relationship, and as a result, we feel like a shrunken version of ourselves,” Jernigan explains. “Love can’t flourish under these conditions!” Tap back into your own passion and creativity. Rediscover who you are and share it with your partner—and let them do the same! “If we let our personal fires go out, our relationship loses heat,” Jernigan says. The result? Resentment and emptiness. Showing up authentically also means being honest and present with your partner. Maybe your partner, who tends to be more reserved, has expressed that they don’t like how rambunctious your personality can be, so you hold yourself in, Jernigan says as an example. However, you end up feeling resentful and judged, maybe even claustrophobic. It’s time to be open with your partner about your inner truth and real self. “If the relationship can’t survive bringing your whole self to the table, then it’s not the relationship for you,” she says. “If it’s a healthy bond, your connection will feel more vibrant, sensual, playful, and expansive the more of yourself you bring into it.”
