“A therapist knows how to help couples get to the real trouble [at the heart of the issue] and can teach skills or appropriate referrals to help them through it,” marriage therapist Linda Carroll M.S., LMFT, explains. Those skills include honesty, how to express emotional needs, and how to settle disagreements, for example. “Couples often come to get help with attachment injuries, growing apart, wanting more sexual connection, and needing to relate to one another differently,” licensed marriage and family therapist Lexx Brown-James, Ph.D., LMFT, tells mbg. “The main issue people always come in for is communication; I don’t find that to be necessarily true, though,” she adds. “A lot of the time, people understand what the other is saying; they’re just not honest in what they are communicating.” “First session, I always ask about a couple’s origin story. How did they begin? What got their attention, and what made them say yes to being in a relationship?” Brown-James explains. “I also want to know what the other significant relationships in their lives are and, of course, what brings them into session now. Lastly, I ask for what they hope to accomplish in therapy.” It’s also the time for you, your partner, and the therapist to determine whether that therapist is right for the two of you. She goes on to say that picking sides can not only cause a rift in the relationship between the two people, but it can also put them off of therapy in the future. “Most people might define success as whether you stay together, but we all know that staying together doesn’t necessarily define success,” licensed marriage and family therapist Ian Hoge, LMFT, previously told mbg. While some research does suggest couples’ therapy can ease individual and couples’ distress1, other studies have shown mixed results, suggesting some couples can still run into old problems2. Hoge says knowing when to break up is an integral part of couples’ therapy: “Some couples come to therapy and learn how to be better partners to each other and choose to stay together. Some come to therapy and realize they don’t want to be together anymore. A therapist is there to help you discover the best choice for you and your partner.” Whether it’s short term or long term, the couples’ therapy is “working” if it’s helping you overcome unhealthy relationship patterns, communicate more effectively, and perhaps find clarity in the relationship—even if that means deciding you might need to break up. Couples’ therapy can be a great option for couples with any number of goals or problems. If you’re considering it, the only way you can know it’s right for you and your partner is to give it a shot with a little patience and an open mind.
