According to 2020 OKCupid data on 6,000 people shared with mindbodygreen, 62% of people think you should say “I love you” “as soon as you feel it,” whereas 22% think you should wait “several months,” and 3% think you should wait “at least a year.” On average, research has found men take about three months to say “I love you” while women take about five months. (Here’s more on how long it takes to fall in love in general.) “Truly loving someone means that you see them for who they are and are willing to accept them with both their strengths and their weaknesses; this type of love cannot arise through a series of short dates or fabulous sexual encounters,” Manly says. That said, feelings of love can happen within just a few weeks of knowing someone, according to both Manly and licensed couples’ therapist Lexx Brown-James, Ph.D., LMFT. “Depending on the amount of time spent together and the depth of the interactions, true love can certainly be experienced—and expressed—within several weeks of deep, intentional interactions,” Manly says. It’s more about the nature of the time spent together than the amount of time spent together, Brown-James asserts. “When there are traumatic events afoot and a person is feeling supported and cared for by another, the brain does release oxytocin and vasopressin, which are the ‘feel-good’ and the ‘relationship’ hormones that make people want to get into long-term relationships,” she says. If that happens within a month of knowing someone, it’s OK to lean into that. “There is so much taboo around what ‘I love you’ means and who we say it to,” Brown-James says. “I suggest taking a bit of time to inventory your feelings. Honoring your feelings of vulnerability is risky and can be scary. It is, however, a way to build intimacy.” That said, Manly points out that those three little words can carry a lot of weight for some people, so it’s worth considering how your confession might affect them and your relationship. “A person’s proclamation of love can bring a ’not-so-ready’ person closer, yet it can also scare someone away,” she says. If it’s important for you to have the other person love you back, Manly recommends paying attention to body language cues as well as the other types of language they use to describe how they feel about you. “Couples often test each other out by paying attention to key phrases such as ‘I’m catching feelings for you,’ ‘I really like you,’ or ‘I feel so close to you,’” she says. “Notice if these precursors to ‘I love you’ are in play. If they are, it may be the right time to voice how you feel.” There’s no way to make someone fall in love with you, and Brown-James recommends against trying to speed up the process because it can make the other person uncomfortable if they feel pressured. That said, there are ways to grow your emotional connection with someone, which can help foster feelings of intimacy. However, it’s important to pay attention if mutual love isn’t expressed eventually. “If a couple is dating seriously and the first ‘I love you’ has yet to be shared by both partners after eight months to a year has passed, that is a sign that something is amiss in either the direction of the relationship or the emotional availability of one or both partners,” Manly says. “In general, it’s not the amount of time that passes that makes it the right time to say ‘I love you,’” Manly says. “What matters most is that you know in your heart that the feelings you have in your heart are beyond infatuation.” With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
